|
Question:
I have a daughter who was sexually abused by her brother when she was 6. She is 24 now and several years ago she finally remembered some of the horrible events. She is anorexic due to the abuse. She refuses to go to therapy because she doesn't want to tell her story. Any CD that can help these issues or help her to get to a therapist?
Maddie
Answer:
Dear Maddie,
 If some of these memories are just starting to surface, chances are she’s also experiencing some of the old terror, sleeplessness, helpless fury and dissociated isolation from those days as well. The timing is probably right for her to start to acknowledge and integrate these horrific events – that’s probably why they’re popping  into her awareness now – her unconscious has decided that on some level, she’s ready to deal with them - but it won’t exactly be a day at the beach for her to do so. Emotionally, this is going to create enormous discomfort and require a great deal from her.
 The basic self-regulation exercises on the Panic Attack or Stress Hardiness CD would be helpful to her, along with Peter Levine’s Healing Trauma sensitive and well-designed exercises; and, when she’s ready and feels strong enough, my Healing Trauma imagery could be a big help.
And of course, that terrific standby, The Courage to Heal, by Laura Davis and Ellen Bass is the perfect workbook  vehicle for her, especially if she isn’t ready for a therapist. As luck would have it, there’s a special 20th anniversary edition, updated and augmented, that’s just coming out about now.
 If and when she does decide she’s interested in talking to a therapist, it’s essential that she find somebody who is experienced and skilled in treating posttraumatic stress. Just any therapist – even a good one – won’t do, if they don’t have this specialized knowledge, because treating PTS isn’t like anything else. Talking and thinking aren’t going to be enough – she needs right brain-based exercises, like imagery, meditation, body work, and more. (I spell all this out in my book, Invisible Heroes).
 Online support groups could be great here, because she can sit in on discussions; get lots of de-isolating emotional support from others who know exactly what she’s talking about; learn a great deal from others who’ve found some pretty creative solutions and coping mechanisms; and retrieve a lot of her self-esteem, without having to participate directly or reveal anything she doesn’t want to. Survivors of Incest Anonymous is one such resource and a place to start looking.
If the perpetrator was your son, then this complicates your relationship and can’t be easy for you either. You may want to seek some family counseling with someone with experience in these issues, to make it easier for both of you.
All best,
Belleruth
 |
Subscribe to this comment's feed
Show/hide comments
Show/hide comment form
One way your daughter could have some control(with support as it is desired)is to be in charge of checking out the different things that different therapists offer. She can use her own sense as part of the decisions and choices she now has power to make.
Using diverse and healthy resources, such as as Belleruth offered, could allow evolving awareness of benchmarks to lean upon. They might include expecting the therapist to predict how s/he would envision working together to sequence and organize the stages of their work.
Your daughter can imagine what she would hear as 'this could be a good therapist' signs for her. It could be reassuring to hear someone talk about going slowly and educating with affirmation that there is no need to find words or tell a story quickly, or before the therapist and she have defined what trustworthy therapy will look like.
And it could be a really encouraging surprise for her to hear that what is likely to come first, with a trauma and child abuse trained person, is to build resources together- for safety and a steadying comfort zone. This boosts power, support courage, and creates space for needed steadiness. Then a survivor can better realize their own story as it may arrive unsequenced or with lag time and in communications that may not have found words....yet.
Curiously those desired early steps would be to support learning how to go slow enough,and not so deep that it violates logical self protection.
(One cautionary note- websites and chat rooms where survivors flood each other with detail of story and symptom can sometimes pull someone in fast and furiously and blur the edges of personal traumas and increase the experience of overload. Sometimes better not to go there or have a friend or trusted other check it out first).
Hope some element of this helps.