dear Dianna, Like you, I have an alcoholic mother. The alcholic father died decades ago at 58 years old. Somehow, I find that it is very hard to accept that my mother is an alcholic, that we never bonded when I was first born and that she sexually abused me from early age to teens. Drunk women are never pretty. Women get drunk faster and they progress rapidly thru the alcoholic progression. In order for me to separate myself from her, name the issues etc. that you and I are both facing, I had to call her by her birth name --that is, not Mom. It separated her. I could see her as an adult woman with major issues. She is alive, a dry drunk and I don't have a relationship with her. But I am a separate woman now. I send my very best on this terribly painful issue. It has layers and layers of healing to it.

Dianna, I really resonate with your inability to identify what happened to *you* in the same way you would if it were happening to someone else.

In college, I wrote an essay for a creative non-fiction writing class about my dad that I (as the writer) perceived as a loving tribute, but which caused one woman to tell me that she "hated [my] father--he was a bully." Needless to say, it knocked me over to hear someone say that. Others agreed that my father seemed cruel and childish--and honestly, I hadn't intended to portray him that way at all.

It took a long time after that experience for me to accept the reality of what those folks observed, and to understand the ways in which I had accepted his behavior as normative, and how that continued to affect me.

Eventually, however (with lots of help from the kind of "knowledgeable therapist" Belleruth mentions), I did, and even came to understand the aspects of his own upbringing that led him to behave in those ways. I wish you peace and healing as you continue the process yourself.

Dianna,
First off I want to say, I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing and I want to reassure you that what you are experiencing is quite a common response. I am a mental health provider and I don't know if this information will be helpful or not, but am offering it in the hopes that it will bring some healing. Addiction is referred to as a "Family disease" - meaning that it affects not just the addict but the entire family. One hallmark of an addictive disorder is denial, especially for the addict who doesn't recognize the addiction or it's impacts. This mechanism is transmitted to throughout the family and serves a purpose for family members caught in the addictive thought processes and personality of the addict. But denial has a price and addiction can be quite confusing/contradictory. The analogy I use with my clients is that if you were lost in the wilderness, starting a bonfire at night when it gets cold would probably be pretty adaptive and helpful in that environment/setting - a survival skill. However, the same behavior and skill in a different situation is not so helpful or adaptive and, in fact, can actually put you at risk. In a family where there is an addictive disorder, family members learn to function in relation to the addict, whose PRIMARY RELATIONSHIP is with the addictive substance or activity, leaving every other relationship in their wake to feel invisible and neglected. Family members develop roles around the addict and typically a lot of energy goes into keeping the secret of the addiction and whatever goes with it, (i.e. abuse, neglect, job loss, domestic violence, etc.) An outward image of perfection is often expected - a huge burden when so much is far from perfect and the secrets are unbearable. I also encourage you to find a trustworthy therapist who can walk with you through the healing process. You deserve nurturing care. Blessings, Louise

The intensity of my reaction to seeing this posted is telling me that I really need to get a hold of this whole mess. My heart is pounding out of my chest and I move in and out of feeling shaky. Can't walk around this mountain anymore... gotta go through it ... if it was going to feel better for me it would by now at nearly 50. I wanted to say right away that my mother was not the abusive one, it was my father... but then I realized that this was just another smack at denial, and watching cruelty without protesting it is the just another way of being cruel. I wanted to say that it wasn't really all THAT bad... but I recognize that as denial too. In fact, everything I could think to say initially turned out to be denial staring back at me... peppered with lots of guilt, shame, and feelings of disloyalty. So, I will simply say thank you for your support and kind words to a complete stranger...

Dear Dianna,

Have read the others' comments and then your latest dated 6/9. You are facing TRUTHS. Truths you have always known but now are seeing in bright light. As I tried to grow and heal, I often took steps that were too big. I was in my 40s and 50s and did not want to "give over" any more of my life to the pains of the past. But I learned that small steps with lots of self care worked best. It is a tangled web of yarn and is best unraveled gently with the help of peers (AlAnon or Codependence Anon type groups), support or therapy groups and with a kind and skilled therapist. It is a worthwhile journey - for along the way you will discover your TRUE self and the treasures that you overlooked along the way. Bon Chance my friend.

Wow. This discussion is beautiful and takes my breath away. Thank you all.
Diana, you are so self-aware and present with yourself... you would be the kind of client therapists dream about having in the room with them!!
BR

Such support and encouragement from people I have never met has touched me deeply... I do have a marvelous therapist who has been working with me for over a year tackling many physical issues (chronic lyme)as well as emotional and spiritual challenges. I am learning that the core issues are the hardest to get to... but I guess that is as it should be. I thought I was stuck, but now I think I was just gathering my strength for this next big step. So many "nudges" have helped coax me forward. This thread for one. Another was a recent visit with my parents where I finally saw how confusing they are. Another was trying to read "Silent Heroes", because I kept seeing myself all over that book; every where I looked, there I was but I just didn't know why... so much has been forgotten and I am left with a foreboding feeling and few memories to back it up. Only recently have I accepted that I don't have to have "back up" or "proof" to validate my feelings, which is a big step. The affirmations help me a lot and I include these and the imagery in the list of nudges that I am aware of. Looking forward to finally feeling so happy to be here, instead of just tolerant of being here - that is the "inner carrot" that I dangle in front of myself. Thank you all for helping me see that the carrot is still there, and is one of many 'rewards' along the way... you help me feel that I can do this, and that I will do this. A while ago I wrote a little poem that describes what is happening to/with me and it has been coming up in my mind again lately: "As I stand at the peak between separate and whole... I am losing my mind and I'm finding my soul".

Hello Dianna
Your poem is truly amazing and transformative in the sheer truth of it. It is seared in my soul. Thank you. namaste.

I am speechless, Marie... thank you.

Things are happening in many ways. Father's day was rough for me... even rougher than Mother's Day, but oh so productive. I wrote a poem that flowed out of me like water from a jar, as if it was already written inside of me and I imagine it has been for quite some time. I am going to share a small piece (the ending) of it here (it is very long), even though I don't even expect anyone to see it anymore... it helps me to share about the abuse... yes I can even say it out loud too, but not easily. I'm pretty certain I will never share it with my parents but the healing is beginning... EMDR on the docket for tomorrow... One more thing... on the day I wrote this I also recognized the physical sensation I feel with panic and anxiety... it was the feeling I felt when I was little and knew I was going to get hit. Ever since that day I haven't felt it once - not even through the emergency surgery of my youngest son last week or the nights by his bedside in hospital - not even with the pending EMDR which always stirred anxiety - I don't know if it's gone for good, but I am amazed that just connecting the memory to the feeling has changed it so drastically. I really believe that the guided imagery and affirmations have, along with loads of therapy, jiggled this free.

bleeding somewhere
deep inside
where the deepest
secrets hide

finding love
feels just like pain
mirror shows
a great disdain

searching daily
for the key
to understand
what's wrong with me

finally
i see you there
tearing off
my underwear

hitting me
with belt or hand
now i think
i understand

touch is sometimes
agony
look what you
have done to me
*****

I feel like sharing this makes it feel lighter. The thing is these were not FORGOTTEN memories... I just thought that it wasn't "that bad" to do what it did to my life. So remembering was NOT enough... it was the self validation that was important... that it is NEVER okay to hit a child... not even ME. That's what was missing... The people who have written here have been so supportive and encouraging... all of you. Bellaruth... your guided imagery CDs have changed my life. I don't even know how to thank you. I'm sure you hear that all the time! LOL! One could have worse problems, right?!

I'm a community mental helath therapist and use guided imagery a good deal with my cleints, both real life in office and then at home. I have seen amazing things happen. But my qustion is: what is your clinnical checklist before you would have someone use guided iagery on their own. Are there any conraindications-psychotic symptoms, etc? wnating to maeksure i am clinically covering everything necessary to treat people well.