I have listened to your guided imageries, Ease Grief, Relieve Stress, and Healing Trauma when I moved to a new and very different (and in many ways less good) place, was extremely lonely, and then had a rejection by someone I got involved with. The imageries helped me a lot – really a lot. Thank you!
I write to ask you about dealing with loneliness. In the new place I moved to, I finally have friends, so I am much less “friends-lonely”. However, I live in a world in which friends come and friends go: They move away, get into relationships that consume a lot of their time, have babies, get sucked into work projects, etc. and they regularly evaporate. So I can still wind up quite “friends-lonely”.
And I am also very “partner-lonely”, meaning that I long for someone to be special to and vice versa, someone to be able to kiss and to be intimate with in all of the different ways we are intimate. I have not been in a relationship for 3 years.
I am “partner-lonely” to the point that it saps my energy. There are many things that I want to do, but I am very challenged to do them because of my energy-sapped state, which I attribute to being partner-lonely. I get out to places where I might meet people who are partner material, but I don’t find anyone. Frequently I feel that I will never find someone and that I will always be alone.
Sometimes I think this might be something that descends on women my age (late 40s), perhaps those who opted for career instead of family or both – that it is a social phenomenon, and not unique to me.
From what I know, there is a certain amount of being with this difficulty and cultivating self-love and compassion. And there is also trying to find joy, despite this difficulty. But I am guessing there may be additional approaches that I don’t know about.
Do you have any suggestions – guided imageries or otherwise – regarding how to deal with this (loneliness)?
Thank you!
With admiration and gratitude,
Katelyn
Answer:
Dear Katelyn,
I do have some thoughts about this. Let me start with your idea that you’re “energy-sapped” because of your loneliness for a partner. Loneliness can lead to lots of things - sadness or grief or hunger for social contact, or even circular thinking from talking to yourself too much. But none of these things would sap your energy like this.
That feeling of being drained and fatigued, to the extent that you don’t feel motivated to do anything, (assuming it’s not physiologically-based from a health problem), is more like depression, which is, in effect, a state of tamped-down energy, laced with low self-esteem and a lot of self-criticism. I would suggest that you might be dealing with depression, and that’s a thing entirely apart from loneliness, although it may be set off or exacerbated by loneliness.
Depression might be your default reaction, based on your family history and the biochemistry you inherited. Let me go out on a limb here, because I realize I don’t know you. But if you’re depressed, maybe your internal dialogue goes something like this:
I’m sad and lonely. There must be something wrong with me, that I don’t have a partner. Other people have partners. I’m not loveable. I’m too needy. I could never keep a partner. So-and-so left me. It didn’t last with so-and-so either, or so-and-so before that. I’m too fat (or too thin, or too short or too tall or too smart or too dumb.) I don’t know how to talk to people. People don’t want to spend time with me. I’ll always be alone, just like Mother (or Father, or ex-partner etc etc) said. I probably deserve to be alone.
I’m guessing that if you heard an actual person at the next table in a restaurant talking to his companion like this, you’d be horrified and righteously indignant on her behalf!
So, maybe if you address the depression, you’ll be able to get some energy back. Is your sleep disrupted too? Any overuse of substances going on? Are you able to concentrate at work? These are a few of the questions a good doc or therapist would be asking to evaluate how depressed you are. You might need a boost with anti-depressants for a while, until your energy can get back into gear. You could also try the imagery for Depression, which addresses this physical and psychological difficulty; and the other guided imagery I’d recommend is the new one on Heartbreak, Abandonment and Betrayal. In fact, I’d kind of like to see you brainwash yourself with that one - listen to it over and over again - because it’s got within it the psychological antidote to misery from loneliness.
And you’re right: there are other ways to sit with this loneliness - to just be with it without judging, and showing compassion for yourself. Mindfulness meditation can get you there. It would be a great practice for you to take up at this time in your life. This makes it just loneliness – nothing more, nothing less. It doesn’t have to mean anything about you.
I’d start with Tara Brach’s Meditations for Emotional Healing, because it targets the issues you’re struggling with and aims for self-acceptance, compassion, clarity and awareness, producing greater comfort with yourself and all those strong emotions.
And finally, I’d put a temporary moratorium on “getting out to places where [you] might meet people who are partner material” because until that heavy veil of depression is lifted, you’re not going to feel like “partner material” yourself.
Instead, I’d suggest you volunteer your time in a soup kitchen or a free clinic or with an organization that helps elderly or kids or adults in need. It doesn’t have to be much time at first – maybe a couple of hours a week, if that’s all the energy you have for it. But it will take you out of your own feelings of neediness and you’ll start to perceive yourself as someone who is needed – because you will be.
So those are my ideas.
I wish you much good luck with this. Please write in a month or two, to report on how you’re doing!
All best,
Belleruth
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Hmmm...I too find myself "partner-lonely" at 50 but I am not depressed or lacking in energy or having any self esteem issues...just frustrated by a dearth of single men my age where I live. I don't have a solution to Katelyn's angst other than to point out that at our age it can be more of a pure numbers game than anything to do with you at all. So as Belleruth points out, accept it as a circumstance you just have to "be with" and find the things in your life that give you joy, including mindfulness meditation!
... written by Jennifer,
January 24, 2012
To Katelyn:
I have also dealt with big pangs of loneliness related to romantic parternships and friendships. Last year I read a book by Arielle Ford called "The Soul Mate Secret" that has given me a fresh perspective and a renewed sense of peace and hope. If you aren't ready to dive into an entire book, there are great snippets of information on her website www.soulmatesecret.com.
There is also a wonderful book that I read FOREVER ago called "Wide My World, Narrow My Bed" by Luci Swindoll. While I don't neccesarily align myself with her particular faith, the main points of the book were really helpful for me during those times of longing for partnership. I wish you well!
Jennifer
... written by Desiree,
January 24, 2012
What a wonderfully heartfelt and 'right-on' response. You're a lovely human being, Belleruth.
... written by Genie,
January 24, 2012
Katelyn, I am not as wise as Belleruth, nor do I have credentials to give advice, so please feel free to take anything I say with a grain of salt.
I have suffered from loneliness, as a result of moving, and other reasons, similar to everyone's reasons, I think. When my boyfriend and I broke up, I had moved to a strange town to be near him. Boy did I feel like a fool, and was I ever miserable! A friend talked me into volunteering at a local community radio station. I ended up having my own radio show, and a bunch of new friends. The whole premise of volunteering, thinking of someone other than myself, is very healing. And it's a great way to meet good people!
The other thing Belleruth mentioned -- the moratorium from going out to meet people: My experience is that for some reason a watched kettle never boils. But more than that, when I go out and am feeling unloved and desperate, that energy is broadcast somehow. Maybe it's my body language or something, but I have never been successful at meeting men that way. I realized that men are attracted to women who are happy within themselves -- just like I'm attracted to men who are not looking for a partner to "fix" them. I find that when I'm happy I'm much more attractive. So I guess I'm saying it is an inside job. I stopped actively looking for someone and I did the things I like to do. I met a really nice man while walking my dog -- he's a neighbor and now we do all sorts of things together. It just happened. I wish you luck and healing; I've been there too. All the best to you, Genie
... written by Belleruth,
January 24, 2012
I was very happy to see Arielle Ford and her book mentioned here. She is one swell dame, generous, wise and kind. I met her years ago at an ABA convention, where I was giving a talk. I introduced myself by stating my age and my weight (it was relevant, can't remember why..) Arielle was in the audience and her jaw dropped. She ran up to me afterwards, introduced herself and saluted me for bravery. We had a hilarious time sitting on the floor, chomping pizza slices and became friends.
... written by Dorothy Siminovitch, Ph.D., MCC,
January 25, 2012
Katelyn,
First, "hello" and bravo to you for writing about an issue that really touches so many of "us". Belleruth's response to you is superb in its overview and analysis. And, since she also invites others to respond to you, I’d like to give you a few more thoughts.
First, you are not alone and some of your concerns have validity. To be women in her 40s without children or a significant other, puts you in a “smaller” category to connect with people. It is true that society is built to support family systems which also serve to connect you/us to others. It’s what’s called a self-referential system in that it comes back to you and also makes you “go out” to feed the system of which you are a part of. So, to the extent that you are not part of a family “system”, you are deprived of that momentum (sometimes totally chaotic) which forces movement, activity and connection. Conversely, you also have to consider that not all family system are “nurturing”. There is enough data in theatre, books and family cases histories to support this. Think about this-you may not have a family system to be busy with-but, you may be saved from being part of a dysfunctional family system. Point I am trying to make is that it is relevant and perhaps helpful to also see another side to the deprivation. That “other” perspective may not only comfort you but also energize you to see differently. If you feel “deprived” you cannot look outside yourself with enthusiasm but only project your deprivation. If you feel “saved” for new possibilities, you may look outside yourself differently.
Finally, in addition to Belleruth’s excellent suggestion for you bathing yourself in positive imagery, I’d like to ask yourself to start asking yourself what you really care about. If you do not have an answer to this, add this to your imagery as in “I care to find out what matters to me”. Then, out of what you care for-try to look for ways to serve as a volunteer. If it’s the environment-look for a “green” charity you can be involved with. If it’s animals- find an animal shelter to donate service-animals really can help people find joy. If it’s people-try to find “hotline” service and see if you can be trained as a “person to talk to”-I’m serious. Lonely people who are desperate feel less desperate when they hear another person talking back to them. This is the message I’d like to support you hearing, that if you take the focus off yourself, paradoxically, you end up being fed at the deepest level of your being. One “cure” for loneliness is to feel satisfied in relation to your purpose. If you can get clear about what gives you meaning and add that to your active activities, your self-satisfaction is sure to increase. If your self-satisfaction increases you may be surprised to see a reduction in that sense of existential isolation beuase you’ll be more connected to your meaning.
And finally, end every day with self-reflection on what you need to be grateful for-because I know you already are more lucky than you may realize. You were so smart to write to Belleruth. You had the courage to raise a very sensitive issue and look, what a response you are getting. And this is just this one issue. There have to be so many more.
Good luck to you and keep us posted. Loneliness is one of the big “shame” issues of our times. You are not alone. It’s great that you had the courage and "where with all" to raise this issue.
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